All About Love

01Why We Struggle to Define True Love

We live in a world absolutely obsessed with the concept of romance, yet when pressed to clearly define what love actually is, most of us draw a complete and utter blank. We are bombarded daily by movies, pop songs, and advertisements that tell us love is a magical, overwhelming force that simply washes over us without our consent. We speak of "falling" in love, as if it were an accidental trip on the sidewalk, a completely involuntary reaction that leaves us powerless. However, this lack of a clear, shared definition is exactly why so many of us find ourselves profoundly unhappy in our relationships. When we cannot define what we are looking for, how can we possibly expect to find it or sustain it? bell hooks points out that our cultural confusion stems from treating love as a mysterious feeling rather than a concrete set of actions. This fundamental misunderstanding prevents us from cultivating the deep, nourishing connections we so desperately crave. To resolve this universal confusion, hooks turns to a powerful definition established by psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, who described love as the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. This definition changes absolutely everything. It shifts love from a passive emotional state to an active, conscious choice. When we view love as an action, we suddenly realize that genuine love requires intention, effort, and responsibility. It is not enough to simply feel warm affection for someone; we must actively work to support their well-being and personal evolution. Think about how many times people justify harmful behavior by claiming they act out of love. Jealousy, possessiveness, and control are frequently dressed up in the language of affection, but under this new definition, they are immediately exposed as the exact opposite of love. True love requires us to prioritize the spiritual and emotional growth of our partners, our friends, and ourselves. Consider the common scenario of a couple who constantly argue, disrespect each other, and cause mutual emotional distress, yet repeatedly insist that they love one another. Society often romanticizes this kind of toxic dynamic, framing it as "passionate" or "intense." But hooks argues forcefully that we must distinguish between cathexis—the process of investing emotional energy into someone—and actual love. You can be deeply emotionally attached to someone, deeply invested in their presence in your life, without actually loving them. This is a difficult truth to swallow because it forces us to look in the mirror and evaluate our own behaviors. Are we truly nurturing the people we claim to love, or are we simply attached to what they do for us? Are we supporting their growth, or are we holding them back out of our own selfish fears and insecurities? When we begin to define love as a verb, we also strip away the illusion that love is something that can only happen to us if we are lucky enough to meet the right person. Instead, love becomes a skill that we can practice and refine every single day. It requires the ingredients of care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication. If any of these essential ingredients are missing, the recipe simply does not work. You cannot claim to love someone while continuously lying to them, because honesty is a foundational pillar of trust and respect. You cannot claim to love someone while ignoring their fundamental needs, because care and recognition are critical components of the action of love. By demanding a precise, action-oriented definition of love, hooks empowers us to stop waiting for a fairy tale and start building genuine emotional wealth in our daily lives. Furthermore, this actionable definition of love forces us to critically examine the media we consume and the cultural narratives we accept as normal. We are conditioned to believe that love is entirely about finding "the one," a perfect individual who will automatically understand our needs and fix all our problems. This fantasy sets us up for inevitable disappointment, because no human being can ever fulfill such an impossible role. When the initial rush of infatuation inevitably fades, people who lack a solid definition of love often assume the relationship has failed, packing up their bags to search for the next temporary high. But if we understand that love is a continuous action, we realize that the fading of infatuation is actually the exact moment when real love begins. It is the moment we are called to actively choose our partner, to actively nurture their growth, and to actively build a shared life based on mutual respect and unwavering commitment. Embracing love as a verb is the first and most crucial step toward transforming our connections from fragile emotional investments into unbreakable bonds of genuine care.