Children of the Self-Absorbed

02Identifying Narcissistic Traits in Your Parents

Growing up, you might have felt like you were living in the shadow of a larger-than-life figure. Your parent was always the center of attention, their needs and desires taking precedence over yours. You might have felt invisible, your feelings and needs often dismissed or ignored. This is a common experience for those who grew up with parents who exhibited narcissistic traits. Narcissism, in simple terms, is like a mirror that only reflects the self. It's a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism. Let's break down these traits. A lack of empathy means that your parent might have been unable to recognize or understand your feelings. They might have dismissed your emotions as unimportant or trivial, focusing instead on their own feelings. An excessive need for admiration could have manifested as a constant desire for praise and recognition. They might have sought to be the center of attention, often overshadowing you in the process. A sense of entitlement, on the other hand, might have been displayed through unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations. To help identify these traits, Nina W Brown provides a Narcissistic Behavior Checklist in her book. This checklist includes behaviors such as "expects to be recognized as superior," "has a sense of entitlement," and "lacks empathy." Each item on the checklist is a potential red flag, a sign that your parent might have narcissistic tendencies. But narcissism isn't a one-size-fits-all condition. Just like there are different types of fruit, there are different types of narcissistic parents. Some might be overtly narcissistic, their grandiosity and need for admiration apparent to all. Others might be covert, their narcissism hidden behind a façade of humility or self-deprecation. Still, others might be communal, their narcissism expressed through their involvement in community activities or charitable work. The impact of having a narcissistic parent can be profound. It can lead to feelings of worthlessness, difficulties in relationships, and struggles with self-esteem. For example, you might find yourself constantly seeking approval from others, a habit formed from years of trying to win your parent's admiration. Or you might struggle with setting boundaries, having grown up in an environment where your needs and feelings were often dismissed. Understanding these traits and their impacts is the first step towards healing. By identifying these behaviors in your parents, you can begin to understand your own feelings and behaviors better. This knowledge can be a powerful tool, helping you to break free from the shadow of your past and move towards a healthier, happier future.

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