How to Get On with Anyone
Catherine Stothart
26 min
6 Key Points
4.5 RateWhat's inside?
Learn practical strategies to build strong relationships and effectively communicate with different personality types, boosting your confidence and charisma.
You'll learn
1. How to chat with all sorts of folks2. Boosting your self-belief and charm3. Keeping the peace and good vibes4. Bettering your people skills5. Stepping up your leadership game6. Making a good impression in life and work.Key points
01Why Do We Clash with Some and Click with Others?
It’s a Tuesday morning, and you walk into a meeting feeling energized, ready to brainstorm big ideas, but your colleague immediately starts grilling you about specific data points and minute details. Suddenly, your enthusiasm evaporates, and you feel defensive—this is the classic "style clash" in action. Most of us spend our lives reacting to people based on our own internal settings, assuming that our way of communicating is the "correct" way. We don't realize that everyone around us is operating with a completely different psychological map. Catherine Stothart suggests that the friction we experience isn't usually about bad intentions; it’s about a fundamental mismatch in how we approach the world and each other. To understand why these clashes happen, we have to look at the two main drivers of human interaction: how we handle tasks and how we handle people. Some of us are "In-Charge," focused on getting results and moving quickly, while others are "Behind-the-Scenes," preferring to gather all the information and ensure a quality outcome. Then there are those who are "Chart-the-Course," needing a clear plan and a predictable path, and the "Get-Things-Going" types who thrive on excitement and engaging others. When an "In-Charge" person meets a "Behind-the-Scenes" person, it’s like a sprinter trying to run with a marathon hiker. One wants speed; the other wants depth. Without a framework to understand this, we end up labeling people as "bossy," "slow," "unfocused," or "rigid." Stothart’s work is deeply rooted in the idea of the Social Interaction Styles, which is a more accessible way of looking at personality frameworks like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. However, she strips away the complex jargon to focus on what actually happens in the room when two people are talking. The goal is to move from a state of "unconscious incompetence"—where we offend people without knowing why—to a state of "conscious competence," where we can actively choose how to behave to get the best out of an interaction. It’s like being a social DJ; you’re learning how to adjust the bass, treble, and volume of your personality to suit the "room" you’re in. Think about your own life for a second. Is there someone who consistently drains your energy? Perhaps they are a "Get-Things-Going" person who talks a mile a minute while you are a "Chart-the-Course" person who just wants to see a bulleted list of the next steps. To you, they seem scattered; to them, you seem boring or overly serious. Neither of you is wrong, but you are both failing to build a bridge. This chapter sets the stage for the rest of our journey by challenging the "Golden Rule." We’ve always been told to treat others the way we want to be treated, but Stothart argues for the "Platinum Rule": treat others the way they want to be treated. To do that, you first have to figure out what their "default setting" is. As we move forward, we’ll dive deep into these four specific styles. You’ll probably start recognizing your boss, your partner, and even that difficult neighbor in these descriptions. More importantly, you’ll start recognizing yourself. Once you see the patterns, you can’t unsee them, and that is where your transformation begins. We aren't just looking for labels; we are looking for the "why" behind the "what." Why does your sister always need a week to think about a dinner invitation? Why does your manager need to give a speech before every minor announcement? The answers are closer than you think.
02Meeting the "In-Charge" and "Chart-the-Course" Powerhouses
If you’ve ever met someone who seems to radiate a "let's just get it done" energy, you’ve likely encountered the "In-Charge" style. These are the people who walk into a room and immediately start looking for the most efficient way to achieve a goal. They are direct, action-oriented, and they value results above almost everything else. In a crisis, you want an "In-Charge" person leading the way because they aren't afraid to make quick decisions. However, in a collaborative team setting, their desire for speed can sometimes come across as bulldozing. They aren't trying to be rude; they just genuinely believe that the fastest path to the finish line is the best one for everyone involved. When you’re talking to an "In-Charge" individual, metaphors and long-winded stories are your enemy. They want the "bottom line" up front. If you spend twenty minutes explaining the background of a problem before getting to the point, you’ll see their eyes glaze over or their foot start tapping. They are thinking about the five other things they could be accomplishing while you’re talking. To get on with an "In-Charge" person, you need to be brief, highlight the outcomes, and show them that you are also focused on the goal. They respect competence and directness. If you disagree with them, don't be vague—state your case clearly and back it up with a logical reason. They actually appreciate a good challenge if it leads to a better result. On the other side of the "task-focused" coin, we have the "Chart-the-Course" style. While the "In-Charge" person wants to move fast, the "Chart-the-Course" person wants to move correctly. They are the masters of the plan. They need to know the destination, the route, and the potential obstacles before they take the first step. You’ll recognize them by their organized desks, their detailed calendars, and their tendency to ask "What’s the plan?" before any social outing. They provide the stability and foresight that keeps projects from veering off the rails. Without them, the "In-Charge" people might run full speed in the wrong direction. The challenge with "Chart-the-Course" people is that they can sometimes seem distant or overly formal. Because they are so focused on the process and the plan, they might forget to check in on the emotional state of the group. If you are an impulsive, high-energy person, a "Chart-the-Course" type might feel like a "wet blanket" to your fire. But here’s the secret: they aren't trying to kill your fun; they are trying to protect the group from failure. To get on with them, give them time to prepare. Don't spring a surprise meeting on them and expect an immediate answer. Provide them with an agenda, stick to the timeline, and show them that you have thought through the details. Both of these styles are driven by a need to be effective with tasks, but they go about it in different ways. The "In-Charge" style is like a commander on a battlefield, while the "Chart-the-Course" style is like the navigator with the map. Imagine a couple planning a wedding. If one is "In-Charge" and the other is "Chart-the-Course," the "In-Charge" partner might want to book the first venue they see to "tick it off the list," while the "Chart-the-Course" partner wants to visit ten more and create a spreadsheet comparing the price per head. The friction here isn't about the wedding; it's about the conflict between the need for speed and the need for deliberation. As we transition to the next chapter, we’re going to shift our focus from these task-oriented styles to the people-oriented ones. These are the folks who bring the "heart" and the "energy" to our interactions. While "In-Charge" and "Chart-the-Course" people are asking "What are we doing?", the next two styles are asking "Who are we doing it with?" and "How does everyone feel?" Understanding this shift is vital because if you try to manage a people-person with a task-person's toolkit, you’re going to run into a different kind of wall—one built of silence and hurt feelings.
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03The Energy of the "Get-Things-Going" and "Behind-the-Scenes" Spirits
04Navigating the Storm: Conflict and Stress Responses
05The Five Cs: Your Toolkit for Social Mastery
06From Knowledge to Mastery: Your Daily Interaction Plan
About Catherine Stothart
Catherine Stothart is a leadership coach and team facilitator with over 30 years of experience. She is a member of the Association for Coaching and the British Psychological Society, specializing in helping individuals and teams improve their performance through better interpersonal interactions.
