Influence

02The Power of Giving and Taking

There is a deeply ingrained rule in human society that transcends borders, cultures, and languages: we are obligated to repay favors, gifts, and invitations that we receive from others. This is the Rule of Reciprocation. Anthropologists suggest that this rule is the very foundation of human civilization. A unique web of indebtedness allowed our ancestors to share food, trade skills, and build communities, knowing that a favor granted today would be returned tomorrow. We are taught from childhood to abhor those who take without giving back, labeling them as moochers, ingrates, or selfish. Because we desperately want to avoid these labels, we are highly susceptible to anyone who decides to give us a small gift before asking for a favor. Let us examine a classic psychological experiment conducted by Professor Dennis Regan. In this study, two people were supposed to be evaluating some paintings. One was the actual test subject, and the other, named Joe, was secretly an assistant to the researcher. In some cases, Joe would leave the room for a few minutes and return with two bottles of Coca-Cola, handing one to the subject with a friendly smile. In other cases, Joe simply returned empty-handed. Later, after the painting evaluation was over, Joe mentioned that he was selling raffle tickets for a new car and asked the subject if they would buy some. The results were staggering. The people who had received the ten-cent bottle of Coca-Cola bought significantly more raffle tickets from Joe than those who received nothing. The subjects felt a powerful sense of obligation to repay Joe for his small kindness, even though they never asked for the Coke in the first place. What makes the rule of reciprocation so dangerous is that it can trigger unequal exchanges. A small initial favor can produce a sense of obligation that leads to a substantially larger return favor. In the Regan study, the subjects often bought two or three raffle tickets, spending far more money than the original Coke was worth. The psychological burden of feeling indebted is so uncomfortable that we are willing to give back much more than we received just to clear the ledger. The Hare Krishna society utilized this principle to build a massive fundraising empire. Instead of simply asking for donations from strangers at airports, they began employing a brilliant tactic: they gave the target a "gift" first. A Krishna follower would step in front of a traveler and press a single flower into their hand or pin it to their jacket. If the traveler tried to give it back, the follower would calmly refuse, stating, "No, it is our gift to you." Only after the flower was forcefully accepted would the follower ask for a donation. This tactic was wildly successful. Travelers, feeling trapped by the inescapable burden of the unexpected gift, would dig into their pockets and hand over a few dollars just to escape the awkwardness. The rule of reciprocation is not limited to physical gifts; it also applies to concessions. If someone makes a concession to us, we feel obligated to make a concession in return. This leads to one of the most effective persuasion strategies in existence: the Rejection-Then-Retreat technique, also known as the door-in-the-face technique. Suppose I want you to agree to a certain request. One way to increase my chances is to first make a massive, extreme request that you will almost certainly refuse. After you say no to my extreme request, I retreat and make a much smaller request—the one I actually wanted you to agree to all along. Because I dropped my demands and made a concession, you will feel a powerful psychological pull to meet me halfway and make a concession of your own by agreeing to the smaller request. Consider the story of a Boy Scout who approached Robert Cialdini on the street. The boy asked if Cialdini wanted to buy tickets to the upcoming Boy Scout circus for five dollars each. Cialdini, having no desire to spend his weekend at a Boy Scout circus, politely declined. The boy then said, "Well, if you don't want to buy the tickets, how about buying some of our chocolate bars? They are only one dollar each." Cialdini bought two chocolate bars immediately. Only after the boy left did Cialdini realize he had been thoroughly played. He didn't even like chocolate! The boy had made a large request, faced rejection, and then retreated to a smaller request. The concession was incredibly effective. This technique was even responsible for one of the most infamous political blunders in history: the Watergate break-in. G. Gordon Liddy originally presented a million-dollar political espionage plan to the committee, complete with kidnappings, muggings, and highly illegal activities. The committee rightly rejected it. Liddy then retreated to a half-million-dollar plan. Rejected again. Finally, Liddy proposed a "bare-bones" quarter-million-dollar plan that involved a simple break-in at the Watergate complex. Because it was his third request, presented as a massive concession from his original wild demands, the committee approved it. They felt obligated to concede to the man who had continuously backed down from his original position. So, how do we defend ourselves against the crushing weight of reciprocity? The key is not to reject every gift or favor that comes your way. If you do that, you will alienate genuine friends and well-meaning people. Instead, you must accept initial favors in good faith, but be ready to redefine them in your mind. If you realize that the "gift" was not an act of genuine kindness, but rather a calculated tactic to prime you for a request, mentally reclassify the gift as a sales device. The rule of reciprocation states that favors are to be met with favors; it does not require that tricks be met with favors. Once you see the flower, the free sample, or the sudden concession for what it truly is, the psychological pressure vanishes, leaving you free to walk away without an ounce of guilt.

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