Taming Your Outer Child
Susan Anderson
22 min
7 Key Points
4.5 RateWhat's inside?
Explore strategies to conquer self-destructive behavior and heal from past abandonment issues, leading to a healthier and happier life.
You'll learn
1. How to spot and handle your 'outer child' antics2. Tips to stop shooting yourself in the foot3. Dealing with and healing from feeling left out4. Building better relationships with yourself and others5. Boosting your emotional smarts and toughness6. Steps to personal growth and feeling good.Key points
01Understanding the 'Outer Child' and its impact on self-sabotage
Ever found yourself reaching for that extra slice of cake even though you're already full? Or maybe you've stayed in a relationship that you knew was bad for you, but you just couldn't bring yourself to leave. These are classic examples of self-sabotage, and they're more common than you might think. But why do we do this to ourselves? The answer might lie in a concept called the 'Outer Child'. The 'Outer Child' is like a rebellious teenager living inside us. It's the part of us that acts out our inner child's unresolved issues and emotions. Imagine your inner child as a little kid who's scared, hurt, or angry. Now, picture your 'Outer Child' as the teenager who acts out these feelings in ways that are often self-defeating. For instance, your inner child might feel lonely and crave comfort, so your 'Outer Child' responds by overeating. Or perhaps your inner child feels scared of being alone, so your 'Outer Child' keeps you in an unhealthy relationship. In these ways, the 'Outer Child' is the driving force behind many forms of self-sabotage. Recognizing and addressing the 'Outer Child' is crucial in overcoming self-sabotage and healing from abandonment. It's about confronting this part of ourselves, understanding its motivations and triggers, and learning to respond to our inner child's feelings in healthier ways. So, how do we do this? It starts with awareness. Pay attention to your behaviors and emotions. When you catch yourself engaging in self-sabotage, ask yourself: "What is my 'Outer Child' trying to tell me? What unresolved feelings from my inner child might be driving this behavior?" Next, try to understand your 'Outer Child's' motivations. Is it acting out of fear? Anger? Sadness? Once you've identified the underlying emotion, you can start to address it in healthier ways. For example, if your 'Outer Child' is overeating out of loneliness, you might find healthier ways to comfort yourself, like calling a friend or going for a walk. Finally, practice responding to your inner child's feelings with compassion and understanding. Instead of letting your 'Outer Child' act out, try to soothe your inner child. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel scared, hurt, or angry, and that you're capable of handling these feelings in a healthy way. In conclusion, understanding the 'Outer Child' is a crucial step in overcoming self-sabotage. By recognizing and addressing this part of ourselves, we can start to heal from past hurts and move towards a healthier, happier future. So, next time you find yourself reaching for that extra slice of cake or staying in a relationship that's not good for you, remember: it's not you, it's your 'Outer Child'. And with understanding and compassion, you can start to tame it.
02Understanding the Origins of Self-Sabotage
You're on a date with someone who seems perfect. They're attractive, funny, and seem genuinely interested in you. But instead of enjoying the moment, you find yourself picking apart their every word, looking for signs that they're going to abandon you just like your ex did. Before you know it, you've convinced yourself that this person is just like everyone else, and you end the date early, sabotaging a potentially great relationship before it even had a chance to start. This is a classic example of self-sabotage, a behavior that many of us engage in without even realizing it. But where does this self-sabotage come from? According to Susan Anderson in her book "Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment", it often stems from past experiences, particularly those involving abandonment. Think of your past experiences as a suitcase full of clothes. Each piece of clothing represents a different experience or emotion. Some clothes are neatly folded and easy to handle, while others are wrinkled and difficult to manage. These difficult experiences, like abandonment, leave emotional scars that influence our present behavior. For instance, the fear of being abandoned again can lead us to sabotage new relationships, just like in the date scenario. Our subconscious mind plays a significant role in this process. It's like a storage room where we keep all our past experiences and emotions. Sometimes, these stored experiences and emotions can unconsciously influence our present actions. For example, a past experience of abandonment might make us overly suspicious and defensive in new relationships, leading to self-sabotage. These unresolved issues from the past can manifest as self-defeating patterns in the present. These patterns can take various forms, such as procrastination, self-criticism, or unhealthy relationships. Often, these patterns are coping mechanisms for unresolved pain or trauma. For instance, a person might use procrastination or self-criticism as a way to avoid confronting their fear of failure or rejection. Overcoming self-sabotage involves understanding its origins. Recognizing the link between past experiences and present behavior can help individuals address their unresolved issues. This process involves confronting painful emotions and memories in order to break self-defeating patterns. It's not an easy process, but it's a necessary one. It's like cleaning out that suitcase full of clothes. It might be difficult to handle those wrinkled, difficult pieces, but doing so allows us to make room for new, healthier experiences and emotions. In conclusion, self-sabotage is often a result of past experiences and unresolved issues. By understanding its origins and confronting our unresolved issues, we can break self-defeating patterns and overcome self-sabotage. It's a challenging process, but one that ultimately leads to healing and personal growth. So, the next time you find yourself on a date, instead of looking for signs of abandonment, try to enjoy the moment. Who knows, you might just find that perfect someone you've been looking for.
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03Understanding and Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns
04Taming Your Outer Child: A Guide to Healthier Behaviors
05Healing from Abandonment: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Recovery
06Maintaining Progress and Preventing Relapse: A Guide
07Conclusion
About Susan Anderson
Susan Anderson is a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience in helping people overcome abandonment and its aftermath of self-sabotage. She is recognized for her four-stage Abandonment Recovery protocol, and has dedicated her career to working with victims of trauma and abandonment.