Doing Life with Your Adult Children

01Understanding the Psychology of Adult Children

The transition from adolescence to adulthood is a bit like a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly. It's a time of profound change, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically as well. And just as the caterpillar's transformation affects its relationship with the world around it, so too does the transition to adulthood affect the relationship between parents and their children. As children grow into adults, their needs change. They're no longer dependent on their parents for their basic needs, but that doesn't mean they don't need their parents at all. Instead, their needs become more complex. They need their parents to respect their independence, to understand their struggles, and to support them as they navigate the challenges of adulthood. But it's not just about needs. Adult children also have expectations about their relationship with their parents. They expect their parents to treat them as equals, to respect their decisions, and to acknowledge their maturity. Understanding these needs and expectations is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship with adult children. In Jim Burns' book, "Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out", he emphasizes the importance of treating adult children as independent individuals. This respect is not just about acknowledging their autonomy, but also about fostering a positive and respectful relationship. It's about showing them that you trust their judgment, that you believe in their abilities, and that you're confident in their capacity to handle life's challenges. This respect can significantly contribute to an adult child's self-esteem and confidence. Take, for example, a scenario from the book where a mother learns to respect her adult daughter's decision to move to a different city for a job opportunity. Initially, the mother was worried and expressed her concerns in a way that made her daughter feel judged and belittled. But after reading Burns' book, the mother learned to express her concerns in a respectful and non-judgmental manner. She acknowledged her daughter's independence and respected her decision, even though she didn't fully agree with it. This shift in the mother's approach not only improved their relationship but also boosted the daughter's confidence in her decision-making abilities. Respecting adult children's decisions is a crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship with them. It's about understanding that they're no longer children who need to be told what to do, but adults who are capable of making their own decisions. It's about expressing concerns in a respectful and non-judgmental manner, rather than imposing your own views and expectations on them. In conclusion, understanding the psychology of adult children is crucial for parents. It's about recognizing their transition from adolescence to adulthood, understanding their needs and expectations, and respecting their independence and decisions. By adapting their parenting style to these changes, parents can maintain a healthy and respectful relationship with their adult children.