The Relationship Cure

02Turning Toward Your Partner

Once you understand that the people in your life are constantly broadcasting bids for connection, the next logical question is how you should respond to them. The Love Lab research identified three primary ways people respond to an emotional bid: turning toward, turning away, and turning against. Of these three, turning toward is the absolute secret weapon of relationship masters. Turning toward means acknowledging the bidder and engaging with their attempt to connect. When the husband says, "Look at that beautiful bird," the partner who turns toward might put down their book, look out the window, and say, "Oh wow, is that a blue jay?" In that brief interaction, which takes less than five seconds, a profound emotional exchange has occurred. The partner has communicated, "I hear you, I am interested in what you have to say, and I value our connection." Turning toward does not always have to be enthusiastic or time-consuming. Gottman categorizes turning toward into different levels of intensity. Sometimes it is a nearly imperceptible response—a simple nod, a brief "hmm," or a quick glance and a smile. Even these tiny acknowledgments are powerful. They validate the bidder's existence and their right to take up space in your world. At other times, turning toward involves a higher level of energy, such as asking a thoughtful follow-up question, offering a warm hug, or bursting into shared laughter. Why is this simple act so transformative? Every time you turn toward a bid, you are making a deposit into what Gottman calls the Emotional Bank Account. This account functions very much like a financial bank account, but instead of holding money, it holds trust, goodwill, and mutual affection. When you consistently turn toward the people you love, your account balance grows. You build a massive reserve of positive feelings. Having a robust Emotional Bank Account is the ultimate relationship insurance policy. No partnership is perfect. There will always be stressful days, misunderstandings, and arguments. However, when a conflict arises in a relationship with a high account balance, the couple has a buffer. Because they have thousands of tiny moments of connection stored up, they are much more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt. They view the conflict as a temporary glitch rather than a fundamental flaw in the relationship. They can use humor to de-escalate tension, and they are quicker to forgive. Conversely, couples who fail to turn toward each other have an overdrawn Emotional Bank Account. When they encounter a disagreement, there is no reservoir of goodwill to draw upon. Every minor slight feels like a major betrayal. A forgotten chore becomes undeniable proof that "you never care about me." Without the protective shield of daily connection, conflicts escalate rapidly and destructively. Turning toward is not reserved exclusively for romantic partners. It is equally vital in friendships, family dynamics, and the workplace. Think about a time you walked into the office and excitedly shared a piece of good news with a colleague. If they looked up, smiled, and said, "That is fantastic, tell me more," you instantly felt a bond with them. They turned toward your bid for shared celebration. If, instead, they had barely grunted without looking away from their screen, you would have felt a sudden chill in the relationship. To master the art of turning toward, you must cultivate a habit of everyday mindfulness. We often miss opportunities to connect not because we do not care, but because we are distracted. We are buried in our smartphones, stressed about work, or simply lost in our own thoughts. To build a rich Emotional Bank Account, we must practice lifting our heads and paying attention to the people around us. Here are a few practical ways to practice turning toward in your daily life: Show genuine interest: When someone brings up a topic, even if it is not your favorite subject, ask a question about it. Your interest in the topic is secondary; your interest in the person is what matters. Use physical affection: A gentle touch on the shoulder, a quick squeeze of the hand, or a warm hug are incredibly effective ways to turn toward a partner or a child. Validate emotions: If a friend calls to complain about a bad day, turning toward means saying, "That sounds incredibly frustrating, I completely understand why you are upset," rather than immediately offering unsolicited advice. Share humor: When someone makes a joke, laugh. Shared amusement is a highly effective way to build positive emotional momentum. It is important to note that you do not have to turn toward every single bid with massive enthusiasm to have a successful relationship. Nobody has the energy for that. The goal is consistency, not perfection. The most successful couples in Gottman's research did not have magical, cinematic moments every hour of the day. They simply had a reliable habit of acknowledging each other's presence. They created a culture of mutual respect and quiet attention. By making a conscious effort to recognize the bids coming your way and responding with a spirit of openness, you can fundamentally alter the atmosphere of your home or workplace. You transform an environment of isolation into an environment of warmth. You send a constant, reassuring message to the people you care about: "I am here, you matter to me, and we are in this together."

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