The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

01Marriages have ups and downs, it's normal. Face the tough times together

Let's face it, no marriage is perfect. Every couple, no matter how much they love each other, will face challenges and bumps along the road. This is a reality that Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, emphasizes in his work. Dr. Gottman's research is all about understanding that it's not about avoiding conflict in a marriage, but how you handle it when it comes up. To prove this, he set up a unique experiment called "The Love Lab." In this lab, he watched 50 couples over a period of time. He recorded everything from their heart rates to their eye contact, all to understand how they interacted with each other. His goal was to find patterns that could predict how long their marriages would last. What he found was pretty amazing. He could predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple would stay together or split up, just by looking at certain behaviors. These included how they argued, whether there was a lot of negativity, if they struggled to make up after fights, if they had a lot of bad memories, and how they viewed their relationship overall. For example, if a couple started an argument in a really harsh, mean way, it was a big red flag. Or, if there was a constant stream of negativity, it suggested deep resentment that could lead to a breakup. But here's the thing: conflict in a marriage isn't necessarily bad. In fact, it can be a good thing if it's handled right. Instead of avoiding arguments, couples should face them head-on, with the goal of finding a solution that works for both of them. The trick is to approach conflicts with the goal of solving them, not making them worse. This means trying to understand where your partner is coming from, validating their feelings, and working together to find a compromise. In short, Dr. Gottman's research shows that marriages will face rough patches. But it's how couples handle these challenges that determines whether their marriage will survive or not. By understanding and applying the seven principles Dr. Gottman outlines, couples can learn how to weather the storms and build a strong, resilient marriage. These principles are like a roadmap, guiding couples from a place of despair to one of mutual respect, understanding, and love.