You are exhausted. You spend your days managing the emotions, schedules, and expectations of everyone around you. You say "yes" to the school bake sale, "yes" to the extra project at work, and "yes" to family holiday traditions that drain your soul. You are doing everything right by society's standards, yet you feel completely hollow. You are living in a cage built by other people's expectations, pacing back and forth like a tamed animal, wondering if this is all there is. If you are desperate to figure out how to stop people pleasing, Untamed by Glennon Doyle provides a profound psychological framework to break the lock.
We are taught from a young age to be accommodating, quiet, and pleasing. We learn to smile when we are angry and say yes when every fiber of our being screams no. Breaking this cycle requires more than just reading a self-help book; it requires a radical unlearning of everything you were taught about what makes a "good" woman.
The High Cost of Abandoning Yourself
The root of people pleasing is not kindness. It is fear. It is the fear of conflict, the fear of rejection, and the fear of disappointing others. To keep the peace in your home, your workplace, or your friend group, you swallow your own needs.
In the framework of abandoning yourself Untamed highlights a devastating truth: every time you betray your own boundaries to make someone else comfortable, you teach yourself that your feelings do not matter. Over time, this chronic self-abandonment leads to resentment, burnout, and a complete loss of identity. You become a chameleon, changing colors to match whatever the room requires, until you no longer recognize the person in the mirror.
Stopping this cycle means realizing that you are not responsible for other people's emotional reactions. If your boundary causes someone else to feel disappointed, that disappointment belongs to them. It is not yours to fix.
Breaking out of the chameleon phase means confronting the underlying fear of rejection that keeps you playing small. If you find yourself constantly paralyzed by what others might think, Dr. Aziz Gazipura’s deep dive into the psychology of being "too nice" is incredibly eye-opening. He provides actionable tools to help you trade your anxiety-driven people-pleasing habits for genuine confidence, allowing you to speak your truth without the crushing guilt.
Not Nice
Dr. Aziz Gazipura
17 Min
7 Key Points
4.4 RateFinding Your Inner Knowing, Glennon Doyle Style
You cannot stop pleasing others if you do not know what you actually want. For decades, you have crowdsourced your decisions. You ask your mother, your partner, your friends, and the internet what you should do, effectively drowning out your own voice.
The antidote to this noise is what Doyle calls the "Knowing."
The process of finding your inner knowing Glennon Doyle teaches is not about seeking a loud, booming voice of certainty. It is about sinking beneath the turbulent waves of your daily anxiety and accessing the quiet, still water underneath.
Here is how you actually do it:
- Lock the door. Go to your closet, your bathroom, or your car parked in the driveway. Get away from your phone and your family.
- Sink. Close your eyes and imagine dropping below the surface of your racing thoughts. The surface is where the people pleasing lives—the panic about the unread emails, the guilt about dinner, the fear of judgment. Sink below that.
- Ask one question. Present yourself with the decision you are agonizing over. Do not ask, "What should I do?" Ask, "What is the truest, most beautiful next right thing?"
- Wait for the nudge. The Knowing does not explain itself. It does not provide a pros and cons list. It is a subtle, quiet nudge toward a single direction.
When you start trusting this intuition, you stop needing external validation. You stop needing everyone else to agree with your choices, which naturally severs the root of people pleasing.
Since the concept of the "Knowing" is the beating heart of Glennon Doyle's philosophy, diving into her full memoir is practically required reading if you want to master this practice. Her raw, unapologetic stories will help you recognize the difference between the loud demands of society and the quiet truth of your own intuition. It is a stunning manifesto for any woman who is ready to stop seeking permission and start trusting herself.
Untamed
Glennon Doyle
40 Min8 Key Points4.2 RateThe Architecture of Untamed Boundary Setting
Once you know what you want, you have to protect it. Boundaries are not walls built out of anger; they are the distance at which you can love yourself and others simultaneously.
Effective Untamed boundary setting relies on the metaphor of the island. Imagine your life, your energy, and your peace as a lush, beautiful island. You are the sole sovereign of this island. You own the drawbridge.
People pleasers leave the drawbridge down 24/7. They let anyone walk on, trample the grass, and dump their garbage. To reclaim your life, you must pull the drawbridge up.
- Audit your relationships: Who brings life to your island, and who drains its resources?
- Establish the moat: Decide what behaviors you will no longer tolerate. If a family member constantly criticizes your weight or your parenting, the boundary is clear: "If you comment on my body, I will end the conversation and leave the room."
- Enforce it without apology: A boundary without enforcement is just a suggestion. When the boundary is crossed, you do not need to yell or negotiate. You simply execute the consequence. You leave the room. You end the call.
You will feel immense guilt the first few times you do this. Expect the guilt. Feel the guilt. Then drop the drawbridge anyway.
Once you decide to pull up your island's drawbridge, you might realize you have no idea how to actually communicate your new limits. Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab offers a masterclass in exactly what to say and how to say it without over-explaining or apologizing. Her guide is packed with real-world scripts and scenarios that make the intimidating process of boundary setting feel entirely manageable and incredibly liberating.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace
Nedra Glover Tawwab
29 Min10 Key Points4.5 RateRedefining Motherhood Without Martyrdom
For mothers, people pleasing is often deeply tied to our concept of maternal duty. Society sells us a toxic lie: a good mother is one who sacrifices every ounce of her time, money, sleep, and identity for her children.
This is where Glennon Doyle parenting advice shifts the paradigm entirely. Martyrdom is not love. When you run yourself into the ground doing everything for your kids, you are not doing them a favor. You are handing them a heavy burden.
If you have a daughter, your self-sacrifice teaches her that her future requires her to disappear into motherhood. If you have a son, it teaches him to expect women to cater to his every need at their own expense.
Good mothers do not martyr themselves; they model themselves.
Your children do not need a mother who is a hollowed-out shell of service. They need to see a woman who laughs loudly, who pursues her own passions, who rests without guilt, and who firmly says "no" when she needs to. By refusing to people please, you give your children the ultimate permission slip to live fully authentically when they grow up.
Reclaiming your identity from the jaws of maternal martyrdom is not a journey you have to take alone. Jen Hatmaker speaks directly to the exhausted, burned-out woman who has spent years catering to her family while her own passions gather dust. Her encouraging, often hilarious insights will give you the push you need to step out of the "good mom" straightjacket and start modeling what a truly vibrant, fully alive woman looks like for your kids.
Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire
Jen Hatmaker
24 Min10 Key Points5 RateIf this reading list feels like another set of overwhelming expectations, remember the goal is progress, not perfection. There are ways to absorb these powerful ideas without adding more stress to your plate.
LeapAhead
Absorb the core lessons from books like these in just 15 minutes, so you can learn to set boundaries and reclaim your life on your own terms, even on the busiest days.
Practical Steps to Stop Pleasing Others Today
Understanding the philosophy is only the first step. You have to put it into practice in your daily life. Start here.
1. Institute the 24-Hour Rule
People pleasers operate on a hair-trigger "yes." Whenever someone asks you for a favor, a commitment, or your time, completely ban yourself from answering immediately. Your default script is now: "Let me check my schedule and get back to you tomorrow." This gives your nervous system time to calm down and allows you to consult your Knowing before you commit.
People pleasers operate on a hair-trigger "yes." Whenever someone asks you for a favor, a commitment, or your time, completely ban yourself from answering immediately. Your default script is now: "Let me check my schedule and get back to you tomorrow." This gives your nervous system time to calm down and allows you to consult your Knowing before you commit.
2. Practice the "Bare Minimum" No
Women are conditioned to over-explain their refusals. We write paragraphs of apologies and invent elaborate excuses just to decline an invitation. Stop. A powerful, untamed "no" is brief. Try: "I won't be able to make it," or "I don't have the capacity to take that on right now." Do not apologize for protecting your energy.
Women are conditioned to over-explain their refusals. We write paragraphs of apologies and invent elaborate excuses just to decline an invitation. Stop. A powerful, untamed "no" is brief. Try: "I won't be able to make it," or "I don't have the capacity to take that on right now." Do not apologize for protecting your energy.
3. Let Them Be Mad
When you start changing the rules of engagement, the people who benefited from your lack of boundaries will push back. They might call you selfish. They might give you the silent treatment. Let them. Their reaction is a test of your resolve. Anchor your feet to the ground, breathe, and let them be upset. You can survive someone else's disappointment; you cannot survive the continuous loss of yourself.
When you start changing the rules of engagement, the people who benefited from your lack of boundaries will push back. They might call you selfish. They might give you the silent treatment. Let them. Their reaction is a test of your resolve. Anchor your feet to the ground, breathe, and let them be upset. You can survive someone else's disappointment; you cannot survive the continuous loss of yourself.
Remember, breaking a lifetime habit of people pleasing is a marathon, not a sprint. Staying motivated with daily reminders and fresh perspectives is key to making your new boundaries stick.
LeapAhead
Turn your commute or a short break into a reinforcement session, listening to key ideas on confidence and authenticity to keep your 'untamed' spirit strong every day.
FAQ
Will I lose friends if I stop people pleasing?
Yes, you likely will. But you will only lose the people who loved you for what you could do for them, rather than who you actually are. Relationships built entirely on your compliance are not true friendships. As you become more authentic, you will naturally attract people who respect your boundaries and value your true self.
Yes, you likely will. But you will only lose the people who loved you for what you could do for them, rather than who you actually are. Relationships built entirely on your compliance are not true friendships. As you become more authentic, you will naturally attract people who respect your boundaries and value your true self.
How do I access my inner voice when I'm overwhelmed and anxious?
Anxiety is loud; intuition is quiet. When you are in a state of panic, do not try to make big decisions. Change your physical state first. Go for a walk, step outside in the cold air, or sit in absolute silence in a dark room for ten minutes. You have to let the immediate emotional storm pass before the quiet nudge of your Knowing can be felt.
Anxiety is loud; intuition is quiet. When you are in a state of panic, do not try to make big decisions. Change your physical state first. Go for a walk, step outside in the cold air, or sit in absolute silence in a dark room for ten minutes. You have to let the immediate emotional storm pass before the quiet nudge of your Knowing can be felt.
Isn't putting myself first selfish, especially as a parent?
No. This is a cultural myth designed to keep women exhausted and compliant. Taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health is the prerequisite for taking care of anyone else. Modeling healthy boundaries and self-respect is the most powerful and enduring gift you can give your children. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
No. This is a cultural myth designed to keep women exhausted and compliant. Taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health is the prerequisite for taking care of anyone else. Modeling healthy boundaries and self-respect is the most powerful and enduring gift you can give your children. You cannot pour from an empty cup.